You’ll find the…

You’ll find the full posting at http://1styrdivorce.blogspot.ca/ I’m Not A Mom. Do I Cry or Cheer? 12 Reasons to Cheer for Being Childfree

This week, I was in CVS buying a pile of cards. Two of my friends had babies. My brother and sister-in-law’s and parents’ anniversaries are coming up. And of course, Mother’s Day.

You should know that I pride myself on finding the perfect card, which means I’m one of those annoying people in the card aisle who has to reading every card before deciding on one. As I waded through the sappy Mother’s Day cards, tears sprung to my eyes, quite unexpectedly. Would anyone ever buy me a Mother’s Day card?

Well-meaning friends and family often tell me how “lucky” I am that Max and I never had kids, and that being 33 isn’t that old for me to have kids with someone else in the future. But let’s be honest: I’m not getting any younger and I’m not in a relationship. (For goodness sake, I still LIVE with Max.) The reality is that I might never be a mother because of the years I spent trying to salvage a sexless relationship.

Before Max and I got married, we agreed that having kids was a deal breaker – we both definitely wanted to be parents. As our sex life disappeared, we took to telling people that we weren’t sure if we wanted kids, and that was true for me. I knew my relationship wasn’t stable enough to bring a baby into the mix, which genuinely made me NOT want kids, even though Max and I would’ve been a fantastic team as parents.

Now that I’m single again, there are moments when I’m so unsure about where I stand on motherhood. Being 33 and childless is not a choice I made, but rather a corner I backed in to. Max stopped having sex with me and there was nothing I or any therapist could do to reverse it. I admit it: I’m angry at Max for taking away my chance at motherhood. Some part of me will always resent him for it.

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