Trust Issues and other thoughts

I probably should start with a disclaimer that I am a writing perfectionist (although my spelling may be touch and go) so, to prevent endless rewriting, editing, throwing out, I am just going to load posts that I do in one day.  Maybe the thoughts will ramble – okay, the thoughts will rumble, but then, I am writing for you, Gentle Reader, so that you get to know me rather than the ‘voice of the author’.  I am trying to find my voice again – so this virtual journal is mainly for me.  Come along for the ride, you are more than welcome!

A dear friend of mine, late last night, posted the previous jpeg about trust. I read it just before turning the light out and sleeping. I think the idea trickled through into my dream work. (I have powerfully vivid and busy dreams and, through lucid dreaming technique, remember most of my night’s work!) Last night I bounced back and forth in my life reviewing times when I lost the trust of someone else or stopped trusting others. And from a third person viewer stance, realized that my trust issues were strongly connected to my own happiness – I have tied my happiness to other people. When trust has been broken it usually involved my being disappointed or saddened when someone else DIDN’T do something.

I have been mulling this over, since my early waking around 6am, in the peaceful time of early morning. Sure enough, as the universe is wont to do, another friend posted a jpeg of the Dalai Lama commenting about compassion. What if I didn’t tie my happiness to anyone else? To release other’s from the expectation that they are going to be working, making decisions, based on making me happy. What if I allow other people to all be responsible for their own happiness. In essence, what if I put myself in their shoes and only sought happiness from within myself? Then my mind turned ‘soft’ feeling that I could then be gentle in how I judge others – if they aren’t responsible to put my needs first, that they are responsible to me, that then I can allow them the same freedom to seek their own happiness. To avoid suffering. What if everyone is allowed to do what they need to avoid suffering and, other than actively reflecting other’s attempts to hurt me or work against my own happiness, have compassion for the journey that other’s are one.

What makes me happy isn’t the same as what makes other’s happy. So my goals, my actions, my thoughts are centred on finding my own peace and avoiding my own suffering. To be ‘soft of heart’ about animals – finding it painful to hear of an elephant massacre on an animal reserve in Africa, to hear of dogs and cats being lost or abandoned, those thoughts could be turned to people.

For the past two and a half years, due to medical issues, I have been off work and alone most of the time. There are weeks when I only venture outdoors, into the world, for medical appointments or restock the pantry. Sometimes that is the hardest part of being incarnated – not being able to just ‘share’ directly. In my dream travels, I have experienced the non corporeal communication – of the rush of feelings, thoughts, images – and being able to see the genuine love that people have inside. To have that level of ease of ‘seeing’ is amazing. It is so hard to then enter the nondream world and be so starkly limited by words, images, and the separation between people. Don’t you wish that you could just merge with someone (perhaps this is part of the magic of sexual intimacy and blend yourself so that you were sharing directly. (Okay, this may need more development. But I warned you that this is going to be somewhat unfiltered.)

The year ahead feels like it is going to be packed with changes – from interactions between countries, to the weather, to the stock/financial markets, and even on the public people who may pass away this year. I started having gut feeling a couple of months ago – and now, every time someone, who has impacted the world greatly passes away, it further imprints that the change of 2012 and the age of Aquarius is also ending some people’s time on earth. The souls are needing to move on who have done their work, given their gifts, in order that those who are left behind here will be the ones to experience the changes. I think our hitting the CO2 peak yesterday, the burst of the US stock market and the lingering feeling that our Canadian Bubble is about to burst – I think tough times are gearing up. Talking with a friend last night – who is out in the dating world as an ‘over 40’ person commented that there are so many people so narrowly focused, living Dramatic lives (with a capital D) that rival the soap operas on tv. They can often be consumed with getting things, being materialistically driven, unable to see our commonality. Then on the other hand there are those who are struggling to awaken, seeing themselves as part of the world, shouldering the burdens of climate change, economic and understanding why they have incarnated. It is a contrast as simple as those entrenched in the spiritual and those who are attached to the physical – the materialistic. I don’t mean to say that there aren’t people in the middle – who, when confronted with the challenges of economic changes etc. who then shift their focus to support their families and ensure their own safety. But many still find an outlet so that they are contributing whether volunteering or even just parenting their children giving them the skills, love, support so that they will be prepared to face this ever changing world.

This dear friend, again!, posted the perfect jpeg “Some people feel the rain and other just get wet”. I realize that this process of contemplation or looking outward is a luxury – a First World golden apple that billions on the planet will never even know about. Many are not able to get on the merry-go-round, much less even try to reach for the golden ring. I remember, as a child in London, Ontario, at the children’s park Storybrooke Gardens there was a merry-go-round and it’s bright colours, animals, movement, music seemed to be a portal to some magical place. I think this is the appeal of such books, appealing just as much to adults and to children, of such books from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe to today’s flood of Harry Potter-esque writings.

I have another friend who seems to be in fast forward – like the change of the Enterprise moving into ‘warp drive’ – all the syncronicities and things clicking into place all around him. He seems connected into the flow but that he is in the rapids of the flow. I am less comforatble being in the fast lane, I think I want to wade into the shallows and then see how I do with the flow. But I do feel that once I ‘plug’ in the current will be electrifying.

Music is really powerful – I think it is subliminal communication of the highest order. I don’t know if you know but I learned to read music and play piano before I learned to read words/letters. I have also found that music is an underlying way that I see patterns in math or numbers or even something like a game of mahjong. I can now look at a layout and ‘see’ the equation and know that I can complete the game – I can do it with double deck solitaire. I find music is so powerful. I am finding, since I added music to my walks everyday I am get into the flow. I find, with music, I see more numerical patterns – like the 222’s of the clock or my car odometer And even the weather, all of Nature is unsettled – that’s it, the whole world feels ‘unsettled’.

Yes I think that is what frustrates me and makes me seek solitude – I feel like I have isolated myself like a hermit or going into contemplation like Saint Theresa d’Avila or Hildegard von Bigen. That pulling away, distancing myself from the chaos, gives me the time to change my perspective on the world. Now when I interact with people I have more gentleness – seeing that their minds are whirling with fear, anger, expectations and focus on getting that next materialistic ‘thing’ or reaching that next financial plateau.
I think I am finally coming out of my cocoon and that, through my posts and, demonstrated here, the jumbling flood of ideas and thoughts is starting.

Truth disrupts the status quo. It’s taken as an affront, and deemed dangerous and radical by those for whom the status quo is working. Marianne Williamson



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