A Childless Mother

As I enjoy this quiet, peaceful, sunny Sunday morning – I am aware of those who are celebrating Mother’s Day.  I called my mother bright and early this morning and treasure our hodge podge conversation (between our mutual pauses to do laundry).  But, now as the day stretches ahead, and reading a wonderful post of one of my ‘women I admire’ I am reflecting on my own childlessness.  You will find her post above this one but this was my response to her.  “Hi, WychieWoman (my Twitter name) here – our marriage experiences were the same – in my case, I became pregnant 3 times – a mix of my O-neg blood type and my ex smoking constantly around me – I suffered 3 miscarriages. In the days after my ex’s arrest and the horrible, mind numb, zombie like existence I had I honestly believe that the Goddess in her wisdom wisely was preparing for the future – my ex would not have been a good parent and co-parenting with him would have been a nightmare (a power struggle in which he would use any child against me) that no one would ever want a child to experience.  As I am a full 10 yrs older than you (celebrating 44 at the end of this month) the reality of my never having children is present like a ghostly presence in the room.  It walks beside me as I interact with other’s children, when I feel bittersweet on Mother’s day and when I look ahead to the years to come.  I kept childhood favourite books, toys, and ideas storing them up for ‘when I have kids’.  All this energy, planning, hope circles around me like smokey hint of a scent that you can’t identify me.  Thank you for sharing as you elicited a pause of reflection for my own childlessness state.”  What I enjoy most about reading other’s blogs is the moments of insight that are provoked by the generosity of openness that these people allow. 

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2 thoughts on “A Childless Mother

  1. Wow, what a tough road you’ve had to walk. I’m so sorry about your miscarriages; those losses really compound not having a child in the wake of your divorce. Despite the lack of children, there are a great many things to be thankful for in my life, and I hope you feel the same.

    • I want you to know that I, truly, have been there and that there are so many things that will come into your life in the next 10 years. In a way, I am trying to go back and talk to the 32 year old me. (Ironically, I met my ex on the night of my 32nd birthday and our relationship lasted almost exactly, to the day, a decade.)

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